Principle 3: Turn Towards Each Other And Not Away

4.What to do when your spouse does not turn to you: When one is feeling rebuffed by the other, questionnaire is filled out by both, as a basis for discussion. Questions include: what did you feel? What triggered it? Those recent feelings about marriage came from? What was my contribution to it? What can I do to make it better? One thing which my partner can do differently? Step 2 is to discuss where those feelings came from: “these recent feelings about my marriage came from (i.e. a previous relationship, the way I was treated in my family growing up, my basic fears and insecurities, unresolved things, unrealized hopes, old nightmares, etc). It is easy forget that the above things are not “hard facts” but rather subjective things. So too, it is easy to assume that distance/loneliness is your partner’s fault. One can only do this exercise once calmed/soothed (see exercise on p. 176). Then turn to the exercise of identifying your own state (p. 96: questions include: I have been depressed, stressed and irritable, not expressed enough appreciation to my spouse, not been affectionate enough, feeling like a martyr, etc…), and then answer the questions of : “overall, my contribution to this mess was:…, how can I make it better?…. what one thing could make my partner do next time to avoid this problem?

Those exercises will not forestall every argument, but will foster turning towards each other, and thus a deeper friendship, therefore shielding against conflict.